Filosofy - Keyboards
    ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Name / Nick : Hoppy & Weevil
Website : Hoppy's Bag (http://start.at/hoppysbag)



The Natural Order Of Keyboards----------------------  
The layout of the modern keyboard is an important modern aspect of modern-day life. But why did they arrange the letters in such a mind-bogglingly stupid manner? Instead of a much simpler ABC layout, the keyboard manufacturers decided to muddle up the letters. This has the unfortunate side effect of making you type r...e...a...l....l....y..... .....s....l......o.....w....l....y, as you search for each letter. You don't really stand a chance unless you can 'touch-type' (and do Rubrics cubes in 1 minute, find the square-root of 34352 mentally, and do a perfect three point turn. With a caravan. And trailer with a 60 foot Yacht. In heavy mud).

    After serious deliberation (and two jugs of coffee), I, Yang Soo Hop, have discovered the answer. It is because of the evil Multinational Conglomerates¹ like Microsoft, Lotus, BudgetSoft etc., who have decided to come together with the PC companies like IBM to create a massive (I'll repeat that, massive) money-spinner by creating such programs as "Quick-I-type", "Speed-I-type", "Very-Very-Fast-I-Type-Honest-Guvna-No-Con-Only-$70" to attempt to educate those wonderfully silly money-fountains out there in the big, wide, frightening world that call themselves 'humanity' who want to know how to touch-type (in order to make them well-balanced people with normal personalities). No mention of the chickens (they used them, I tell you.)... Microsoft has one advantage over everyone else: it can print whole 376-page books all about the keyboard layout for Microsoft Flight Simulator (or Flight Stimulator if you have a force-feedback joystick [whirr... 'ThrustMaster'...] ahem, that should amuse the younger audience...)

     The one upshot of this is that by using these programs to keep innocent people tied to their desks at home and work, typing mindless phrases (like 'President Jefferson had a Big Bushy Beard'), we can solve all sorts of major crime problems! Think about it, if people aren't out on the streets, they won't get mugged. If they're in the house, it won't be burgled (probably...) If they're using the computer at work they aren't harassing the opposite sex or shouting or getting ink on your shirt or running at full pelt down the corridor and toppling poor Mrs Wilkins with her load of tea and boring biscuits, of which the rest of your office will now be deprived all because of the selfless idiocy of one, silly, silly person who couldn't touch-type.

    Furthermore, how else will Microsoft take over the world? If people stay away from their computer in acute fear of the keyboard then the market for the companies who's majority income is defined by the sales of 'Jet-I-Type' would go bust, and Microsoft would go with them, screaming 'THIS UNIVERSE HAS CAUSED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND MUST BE TERMINATED!!' ². This would be very bad for the government, who rely on people being able to 'Velos-I-type' in order to win law suits against vegetable shop owners, young children, postmen and Canada, so they allow Microsoft to win as many court cases and other disputes as it damn well likes³.

  ----------------------
Send us one






¹A word that could be put to much better use, describing the scum found around public toilets, e.g. 'Urgh, I'm not going in there, it's covered in conglomerates!'.

²Some debate this point, claiming that Microsoft has cleverly created an operating environment so complex that an extension of the human hand is required to control it (be at one with Windows, be part of it. Touch it, feel it, interact wi-INVALID OPCODE AT 49E2E3FD82000AD:0372), and is thus getting masses of sales from both this software and it's own brand of mouse, which is like every other mouse on the market, only a lot crapper and more expensive, but people buy it anyway because It's Microsoft So It Must Be Good and The Windows Thingy Told Me To Get A Microsoft One.

³ For other reasons, as well. It is a little known fact that Microsoft bought the US government in 1996 and thus owns America, Apple Pie, Bill Clinton, Dr. Pepper, the Red, White and Blue, ICBM's, all the nuclear missiles and Barney the Dinosaur, of which good ol' Bill Gates showed his appreciation by letting loose millions of horrific programs that talk in a warped, nightmare voice through a ghastly polyneuromethane toy, designed to pressure parents into buying their kids a PC to keep Barney locked safely away in little Johny's room before he strips away any more of their rational thinking processes with his 'I Love You, You Love Me' song.